Me: The dog is basically dying.
Me: The vet used these words, “If he was a human, they would put him on the heart transplant list.”
Girlfriend: Why don’t they?
Man tries to hand me a leaflet in the street. “Bad news sir”, he says.
Work colleague: So what did you do on holiday?
Me: I drove up a volcano.
Work colleague: What?!
Nothing more soothing than the distant sound of a hoover.
The cleaner in the shopping centre toilets: Don’t bother flushing. I’ll do it.